When it comes to creating equity at home, women also need to look in the mirror

Your partner probably needs to step up but I would bet you are complicit in your oppression.

It was a devastating, soul-twisting blow when I first realized that I was complicit in my oppression. I alone was making choices – over and over again – that kept me doing more than my fair share, burned out, exhausted, and lost.

Before this epiphany punched me in the face, I took great pride in being an over-functioning, A+ supermom. My girlfriends and I gathered with our babies to drink expensive coffees and cackle about our husbands. Blaming my partner was way easier than looking in the mirror.

Who was I without having him to blame for my over-functioning?

I told myself that I was the one holding it all together. I believed the story that without me, the family would fall apart.

The truth was, I was falling apart.

The truth set me free (I didn’t see that yet) and left me feeling unanchored.

I had to mourn my role in my misery. I was making choices that kept me exhausted, burned out, and lost. After I mourned, I got to work…

Just as I realized that I alone was making decisions that kept me oppressed, I realized that I alone also had enormous power to change my life. He has a different journey. Man-bashing was no longer a valid choice. I didn’t have to wait for him to change.

I could change. I could start right away by making different choices, having conversations, and setting boundaries that honored my time, energy, and dreams. I immediately felt the benefits of making one small step after another.

I continue to do this work today. After decades of conditioning, I still have to fight the impulse to put my time and my needs last. I can tell you that, with practice, it gets easier and easier to prioritize myself. It feels good. It will feel good to you, too.

Are you complicit in your oppression?

You are not alone. From a very young age, we received messages from our family of origin, TV, movies, religion, school, community members, and friends that women sacrifice. Women are mothers first. Women do it all without complaining or asking for help. Women are selfish if they prioritize their well-being. These messages are woven into our DNA.

It takes work to unweave this conditioning from our thoughts and behaviors. Awareness is power.

Are you complicit in your oppression?

• Do you invite stress so that others can avoid discomfort?

• Do you continually put your needs last to keep your family moving forward?

• Do you believe your time is less valuable because your partner earns more?

• Do you believe that you are responsible for the house and kids because you are a woman?

• Are you making choices that are “shoulds” and are not aligned with your values and needs?

• Do you do things that take away from your own time that no one is asking you to do? (See Costco is not urgent.)

• Do you jump in and take over when your partner is doing something because he gets stressed out or “you know how to do it better?”

Once you see these thoughts and behavioral patterns, you can unlearn them.

Imagine allowing your partner to sit in discomfort as he learns a new task. He needs to practice and be a little uncomfortable. We all do when we learn new things. You can leave the room instead of jumping in, and do something for yourself!

Imagine signing your kids up for fewer activities because you all want to spend more time at home, even though it is the norm for kids to do loads of afterschool activities in your community.

Imagine valuing your free time so much that it is non-negotiable. Nothing is allowed to steal that time.

Imagine really assessing the upcoming holidays, talking to your family, choosing what you all really value, and letting the rest go. Nachos for Thanksgiving? Hell yes!

Imagine saying no to a request that you may have an interest in but don’t have the bandwidth for. It feels good to honor your energy.

When you can see it, you can change it. Be patient and kind to yourself as you work to change these long-standing patterns. It takes practice and time. You have to build new neural pathways.

Even noticing when you made a choice that you would make differently next time is a victory. (i.e., I’m not going to jump and do something for my partner the next time I notice he is a little uncomfortable; he’ll figure it out. I do!)

Soon, you'll move from noticing to having a hard conversation or making a different choice without thinking about it. Small changes will lead to a life that feels radically different.

Keep going. I believe in you.

Women still carry more of the burden of managing household and parenting responsibilities. This post is not letting men off the hook. Men must also look in the mirror and re-evaluate what it means to be a man/father/partner outside of the conditioning woven into their DNA. In general, our partners are not the assh*les; the capitalist patriarchal system that put us both in boxes is the enemy. I am a white, privileged woman in a cishet partnership. This post reflects that lens.

My name is Sandi, and I’m a coach for women who are done being good. I will officially launch my coaching business in November 2024. If you and your partner are working to re-balance the chore load and create more equity at home, check out my free Introduction to Fair Play workshop.